


Nightly Thoughts

by ConnorsWritingSux



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Depression, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 08:29:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17076860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConnorsWritingSux/pseuds/ConnorsWritingSux
Summary: Virgil is not having a good time. Being alone with your thoughts is never fun.





	Nightly Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> This is me venting through Virgil. I do not promise anything good as this is my personal experience and thoughts at the moment.

Virgil sat on his bedroom floor, staring at nothing as his phone played random songs from his  ‘for bad days’  playlist, courtesy of Patton. The others weren’t even that far away, he could pick up his phone and text them or go ask his mother to hug him, but he didn’t. _There’s no point. They’ll just be annoyed with you,_ his brain helpfully supplied and he agreed. Earlier that day, he’d hung out with Roman, Patton, and Logan and everything was okay. They’d gotten Starbucks and while he and Patton bonded over their frappuccinos, their respective beaus argued over the nutritional value of Roman’s drink of the week.

Virgil had enjoyed himself thoroughly at that point and yet there he was that night, sitting in his room with sad music playing in the background like some silly teenager. He could have scoffed at himself being so cliché but he just rested against his bed frame and looked at the glow stars pasted on his wall. They were faint, nearly impossible to see because of how he had neglected to charge them, but so what?

They’d been a gift from Roman, one of first gifts the other had given him when they first began dating and they’d stayed on his walls and ceiling ever since. A soft alarm interrupted his music and he checked to see what it said: **please take your meds, baby <3**. It was the alarm Roman had set on his phone during their starbucks break after Virgil had rushed out of the candy store, complaining about feeling dizzy. Ro had followed him out immediately, concerned and bugging him for the answer, even as they walked to starbucks, assuring the slightly shorter man that he’d keep him from falling.

Virgil had wanted to scream but he was fine even though he felt like he was overheating-not impossible considering the thick sweater he was wearing, courtesy of Roman himself-but he let Roman lead them to sit near the starbucks. That was when his darling, caring boyfriend made the alarm and, as he clicked on the alarm and shut it off entirely, he felt a twinge of regret. Sure, the depression sucked, and the anxiety was getting worse, but he was fine. 

He had the thoughts under control and his coping was getting better as well. The thoughts were still there, but he was managing just fine without the medicine and the way it numbed him with just a tinge of emotion left over. Sure, he’d relapsed and self harmed barely a week before after a year and a few months of being clean, but it was fine. Yeah, he ate less than a normal person his age, but so what? He’d started college that past fall so he was allowed a few things.

His phone screen lit up with notifications and his eyes scanned the screen. He released a relieved sigh as he checked the messages

 

**Ro: Hey baby, I added you to the groupchat. Are the color of your name and title good????**

**Me: yeah theyre fine**

**Ro: oh, if you’re sure…**

**Me: yeah i am**

 

He stopped checking his phone after that, tossing it to the carpeted floor with a sigh as he grabbed a pillow from his bed and laid it on the ground, snuggling it. There were a few more buzzes from his phone and he assumed Roman eventually got annoyed with his lack of response and went back to the group chat.

_I don't care. it doesn't even matter if he's annoyed with me._ He thought, trying not to think about Roman being upset with him later. **_He hates you, you should go to that cute lake where you had your first date, and drown._ **

He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the voice away, regretting ignoring Roman’s messages as it left him alone with his thoughts. He couldn't let them get inside any deeper than they were. He wasn’t sure he’d survive the night if they got much worse.

**_Do you really think you're worth anything? It’s sad that you don't realize how disgusting you really are. You’re a broken toy. They’re going to leave you soon for someone who isn’t so useless._ **He whimpered when it threw his words at him, words he had said whilst venting to his boyfriend during finals week.

**_You really think Roman wants you around? Don’t kid yourself, you're nothing special. Roman is special and you are nothing. You’re just the consolation prize until he finds his real true love, then you'll be alone. You’ll be alone just like you deserve._ **

The sound of ragged breathing reached his ears and he felt water on his cheeks. Fuck, he wasn’t doing okay and all he wanted was someone he didn’t deserve. He dug his nails into his scalp as his mind criticized his every move, word, and breath.

Virgil sobbed quietly to himself as he laid there on the floor, praying to a God he’d once believed in to give him the strength to either ignore the voice or to end his misery. It was all too much. The darkness with the combined loneliness made his chest ache. It missed something he didn’t know he needed, but he knew two things for certain:

1: He wasn’t worthy of anything good.

2: He would never be anything but a witty social outcast. Just a side character in his own book, a supporting character in a documentary about his own life.

 As he cried himself to sleep that night, still clutching the pillow, he wondered if what people often said was true.

He wondered _does it ever get better?_

 


End file.
